There Looms A Darkened Door
Before me looms a darkened door
too threatening to breach.
Surely there’s some else way ‘round.
Over? Underneath?
More than mere uncertainty,
I fear I have not strength
to turn the knob nor take one pace
to face the journey hence.
Light cracks through the threshold,
teasing what I yearn:
a life that’s free, unburdened,
and dreams for which I’m born.
Yet bound, I lie with weighted sigh
in storms of stewing dread.
For though it kills, this pain still feels
less harm than what’s ahead.
What if there lies suffering
beyond what I can bear?
What if I should perish
an attempt I dare not dare?
“I cannot stir my courage.
I have not any friends.
I cannot find my way,” I say.
“I simply can’t,”—and yet…
I do.
Though hurting, I choose healing.
When anguished, I find peace.
Where lost, I seek my guiding star.
While weak, my burdens ease.
If stepping forth brings heightened fear,
then frightened I will go,
for strength comes in the moment
when strength is needed most.
Though steps must be my own, I know
I march forth not alone.
Others go before, beside,
to cheer and guide this road.
Should I falter or be enticed
my journey to surrender,
I gather strength from lengths behind,
the doors I’ve faced and entered.
For now that looming gate is gone,
foreboding fears subdued.
There was no way around. I found
to grow, there’s only through.
Author’s Notes:
I wrote this as I facing a major surgery for a life-long chronic illness.
I didn’t have much fear of the surgery myself. But I belonged to a support group where it was common for people to be so full of fear that some chose to live in chronic suffering rather than go through the surgery.
But it’s not just physical health that feels foreboding.
For some, that darkened door is facing their addictions, their trauma, or their grief.
For others, the door might be something more positive, but still a little overwhelming, like heading off to college or starting a new job.
Whatever difficult choice we face, remember this:
The hard choice is usually the right choice.
